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The Babylon BEE: ‘We Are Not The Enemy Of The People,’ Say Press Who Intentionally Deceive The People To Protect The Political Elite

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NEW YORK, NY—Various news outlets reminded the American people Tuesday that they are not their enemy, despite intentionally deceiving the people in order to protect the political elite.

The media who literally allowed the people to be preyed upon by the rich and powerful rather than run information that might harm their elite buddies assured the people they are on our side.

“We are not the enemy of the people,” said a spokesperson for ABC News, waving his hands in the air as though trying to perform some kind of Jedi mind trick. “Yes, I know it may seem that way when we cover up damaging information to protect the rich and powerful, but trust us when we say we know better than you.”

“We are your friends,” he added in a hypnotic voice while swinging a stopwatch back and forth. “Say it with me: we are your friends. Yes, yes, gooooood.”

CNN’s Brian Stelter agreed, saying that though he calls out the president for lying all the time, it’s different when the press does it. “Our lying is democratic lying,” Stelter said. “It’s for your own good.”

“Also, Epstein definitely killed himself, and we don’t have any other information on that.”

Conservatives Successfully Conserve Massive Deficits

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Conservatives in Congress proudly announced Monday they have achieved their goal of conserving massive budget deficits.

“These progressives want to destroy our country by getting rid of all of our traditions,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “That’s why you need to vote for us conservatives—we make sure that our traditions are conserved, such as spending trillions of dollars we don’t have and expanding the size of the federal government every year.”

“American customs and traditions like an ever-expanding federal government must be protected,” said House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy. “The progressives go a little too fast for our liking. When you vote for a Republican, you can be assured that we will hold the deficit steady at around $1 trillion per year.”

Many people have been wondering just what it is conservative politicians are supposed to be conserving, and they’re glad to finally have an answer. Some supposed that conservatives just wanted to conserve social order as manifested in traditional marriage, religion, and morals, but since they’ve been losing that battle for years, many people weren’t sure anymore.

“It’s nice to know that when I check the box with the little R next to it, I’m making sure our values, like spending trillions our grandkids are going to have to pay back, are being preserved,” said Republican voter Lila Billings from Idaho. “I’m helping!”

“From President George W. Bush to the Obama years and now the Trump regime, we’ve followed through on our promising to ABC—Always Be Conserving,” said McCarthy. “Conserving a sprawling government, reckless spending, and taxes that would have led to a revolution just 50 years ago.”

“You’re welcome.”

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Furiously Spinning White House Revolving Door Causes Category 5 Hurricane

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Right on the heels of Donald Trump’s Twitter-firing of Rex Tillerson as secretary of state Tuesday, the National Weather Service announced the rapid formation of a devastating category 5 hurricane originating from the furiously spinning revolving door located at the front of the White House.

“Hurricane Donald coalesced very quickly right above the White House as a result of the extremely violent rotation of the front revolving door, as employees are joining and leaving the Trump administration at a frenetic pace. Take shelter immediately,” a NWS spokesman said in an emergency breaking news transmission. “If White House turnover doesn’t quiet down, I fear we’re going to be seeing many more of these weather patterns on the East Coast, so we need to be prepared.”

At publishing time, excited scientists have confirmed that the planet has now entered a cooling trend, again due to powerful winds created by the White House revolving door.

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Congress Members To Wear Barcodes So Lobbyists Can Scan Prices, Self-Checkout

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move to make purchasing congresspeople easier and faster for lobbyists, Congress voted to approve a new measure that calls for congresspeople to wear barcodes on their foreheads so lobbyists, activists, and corporations can simply scan them and self-checkout.

Self-checkout machines will be installed at all exits of the Capitol Building, so once they’ve added congresspeople to their cart, lobbyists can pay right on the way out.

“Purchasing congresspeople used to be a time-consuming, expensive process,” said a Planned Parenthood representative. “Now, we can simply walk through Congress, scan all the congresspeople that are for sale, and checkout without having to interact with any humans.”

“We hate humans—like, a lot,” the PP rep added.

One major military-industrial complex lobby group, Americans For Bigger Bombs, said they are also in support of the new move.

“When you need to make a quick pit stop at our nation’s legislative body to purchase a few congresspeople to start a new war, you need to do it fast,” said one AFBB lawyer. “An attack on Iran can’t wait while you wheel and deal, wine and dine, and negotiate endlessly. Now, I can just scan and go.”

Senate To Be Replaced With Room Full Of Monkeys Throwing Feces

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Editor’s note:  This is one of the best political humor pieces I have seen in years!  Please visit The Babylon Bee!  Links provided below.,

https://babylonbee.com/news/senate-to-be-replaced-with-room-full-of-monkeys-throwing-feces

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an emergency, overnight referendum, the American people voted on Thursday to replace the United States Senate with a room full of monkeys throwing feces. The measure passed with 57% of the vote. 22% of voters thought the Senate should be replaced by barking seals, while 17% voted that the replacement should be the pit of venomous snakes from Indiana Jones. 3.97% voted that Senate members be replaced by screaming goats. “About 100 people” voted for the current Senators to keep their jobs, with this tiny voting bloc centered in Washington, D.C.

 

Highland Ape Rescue out of West Virginia will be teaming up with Cornwell Primate farms to supply hundreds of monkeys and apes to the Senate. The animals will be fed a nutritious mixture of foods that produce easily throwable feces. Protective glass will be put up around the Senate for camera crews to safely film, but anyone being interviewed by the new senators will have to sit in the middle of the poo-flinging octagon, coming under a heavy barrage of projectile excrement.

“It will be a huge improvement from how things were before,” said ape trainer, Marlena Henwick. “No more 10-12 hour hearings. With these monkeys, all the fecal projectiles will have been flung in under 30 minutes. One and done.”

The recently replaced senators will be placed on display at the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. for families to park, attendees to observe and zoologists to study.

 

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