Joe A. Olson, PE

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If used properly the Proxy Crock will deliver years of cooked data with satisfaction conforming, with the motto for all of our company products:

                        YOU CAN’T GO WRONG….WITH WRONGCO ! ! !”

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Perhaps you are a traditional scientists, stuck in the lab gathering data the old fashioned way, envious of those high flying Climatologists.  The one’s who seem to cook their numbers with such ease.  While they earn green beatification, you sit green with envy, wishing you had such success.  Well, wish NO MORE ! ! !

With the amazing, new WRONGCO PROXY CROCK can cook your numbers with ease.

You can now sit around buffing your nails and soaking your fine hand washables while your Proxy Crock does ALL the work. Wrongco can’t promise every scientist a Nobel Prize or an Academy Award winning documentary film, but we can eliminate those ancient and burdensome hypothesis-data-proof cycles of yore.

Yes, finally an end to those decades of drudgery that most scientists have to go through.

Using Wrongco’s secret, patented process you merely set the desired outcome, place the raw data in the magic chamber, replace the lid and you are FREE ! ! ! With your PhD and the Proxy Crocks amazing capacity, there is now no limit to your scientific ability.  Sounds easy, but HOW does it work ?

We need to “Hide the Decline”.  We’ve all heard that familiar request.  Well the Proxy Crock can easily hide declines, inclines, ice ages, warming events and extrapolate beyond reason. We can’t divulge the secret process, but we can provide examples and like every Wronco product, you have the Wrongco guarantee.

If you are not convinced that the Proxy Crock is the finest data manipulator on the market, you only have to pay shipping, handling, restocking and a slight wear-and-tear fee out of your money back refund.  Recycled units are limited to supply on hand.  Get your data sliced, diced, chopped and pureed and you are ready for the NEW Proxy Crock way ! ! !

Spicy Hot Tree Ring Circus

Got thousands and thousands of tree rings that all look almost alike ?  But, you want only the tree rings that conform to your climate math model.  One climatologist was able to discard thousands of useless, non theory supporting bits of tree ring data in minutes.  Whether you want your tree rings ‘spicy hot’ or ‘bone chilling’ cold the Proxy Crock will have them ready for you and your guests in minutes.

Hockey Stick Stew

Suppose you’ve already got a synthesized data chart of atmospheric CO2  levels and you only need a ‘matching’ temperature graph.   Using the Proxy Crock a small team of climatologists were able to completely eliminate the Minoan, Roman and Medieval WARMING periods and the Little Ice Age COOLING periods.  The resulting graph was such a perfect match to the manufactured CO2 chart that it became world famous.  But enough of the Climatology based examples, what about other uses for the Proxy Crock.

EPA’s Toxic Gas Alarm

We’ve all heard of ‘three alarm chili’, well scientists with the EPA need something extra special to clamp down on the vital energy sector.  With the Proxy Crock these mindless rubber stampers were able to convince a majority of scientifically illiterate Supreme court justices that your own exhaled breath is a toxin.  Image the supreme things that you can now cook up.

Proxy Ice Core Slushies

With all this talk of hot and spicy things, it’s time for something cool and refreshing.  Say you’ve got miles of ice core data that you need converted to ‘temperature’ data.  Any fool knows that the layers in an ice core tell you only ONE thing, the amount of snow that remained in place for that year, in that layer.  Before anyone notices that snowfall and temperature are independent you produce a crock load and claim they are the same.

Carbon Isotope Flambe

Need a sweet treat to cap this faux feast ?  Here’s a ‘trick’ used by not just climatologists, but archeologists, geologist and historians.  We all know that atmospheric Nitrogen atoms are bombarded by solar and galactic cosmic rays and decay into the carbon isotope, C-14 with a 5,700 year half life.  This atmospheric C-14 is then absorbed by organic matter and the ratio of isotope to standard carbon level is used as a dating system.

Any fool knows that cosmic rays are not constant, introducing an ‘unwanted’ accuracy variable.  This problem is further compounded if the samples are exposed to ‘elemental’ carbon formed from Earth’s heavy element fission decay.  These samples can be troubling for even the most dedicated data fudger.

Take for example, seals and penguins from Antarctica, who’s fresh killed bodies give a carbon dating of as much as 3000 years old.  These marine animals are the top of the food chain and the bottom of this food chain is fed by elemental carbon with NO relationship to atmospheric isotope ratios.

Here’s a real problem for your raw proxy data.  Rather than admit that there is easily a ten percent error in this system, the Proxy Crock allow you to say with a straight face that isotope half-life is the most accurate measurement known.  Why this dating system has ‘atomic’ accuracy.  We’ve done our best to explain this modern and useful device, it’s now your turn to join other successful scientists in the big proxy cook off.

Bon Appetite !  !

WARNINGS & LIMITATIONS:  The Proxy Crock is intended for use only among those who are untutored in science.  If demonstrated before those who have been adequately trained in science and existed for extended period of time outside of the government-academia echo chamber then there is risk of accidental disclosure of the proxy secret.  At some point, these individuals may stand up and yell ‘THAT’S A CROCK !”  This would be using the term ‘crock’ in a second definition of that term would NOT be considered as an endorsement.

If used properly the Proxy Crock will deliver years of cooked data with satisfaction conforming, with the motto for all of our company products:

YOU CAN’T GO WRONG….WITH WRONGCO ! ! !

Joseph A Olson, PE

Nov 05, 2010